me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
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I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
They’re on their honeymoon
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”