Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
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My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry