Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
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Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?