When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
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Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
My what?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
mentally somewhere in italy
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works