I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
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It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.