By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
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Where is your GOD now????
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy