‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
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Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.