crazy
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my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.