Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
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8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Shark week, but for squirrels.