Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
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SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Vodka burrito was a success
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.