Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
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Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Battery falling down a hole
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.