My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
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INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…