Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
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I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Feels like the fourth month in January
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball