Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
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Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.