Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
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People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too