Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
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I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.