If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
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This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
there’s probably a fee though
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I missed you with all my darts
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”