There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Why soy sad?
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My diet was going really well until I woke up.