Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
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Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.