I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
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People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*