[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free