*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
You Might Also Like
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)