If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.