If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
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Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.