Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
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RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
yes yes a thousand times yes!
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife