I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.