Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
You Might Also Like
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫