Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
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it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.