The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
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[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.