*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
You Might Also Like
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Duolingo getting serious.
Personal question. #JustSaying
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together