I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
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Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
just left a huge legacy in there
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.