*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
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Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
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18
90Me: Nailed it.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…