My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
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5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,