this is one of the best threads in twitter history
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Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
*limbos under the caution tape
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?