My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
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I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?