My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
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Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.