Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
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If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*