what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
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Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’