Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
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When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened