It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
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I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
bought wrong eggs
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.