*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
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The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…