*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
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i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Yes my dude
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel