I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
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I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.