Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
You Might Also Like
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll