“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
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The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
an airline just for babies.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”