I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
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When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me too 😆
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.