Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
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Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.