Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
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My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming