My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
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[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]