An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
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Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”